It was Resonating for me

OMG, I have spent the better part of my day working on our family tree. It isn't as simple as I thought. First you get organized from one of the family and then you realize that there are others and steps, etc... Plus then you need photos and maybe some more info and go further back. On and on... There is a lot of things that I don't know, but there is a lot of things that I do know. More then I thought.

The most frustrating thing is that I know nothing about my father. I really do not have a name that I am confident with. I think that as amiable as a child I was, I have stopped being that as an adult. I have three children and I want them to know who their grandfather is. My mother is a different animal. I feel every so often I try to find out what she is up to and reevaluate who she is. But my hopes are usually dashed by 
her lack of truth and alcoholism.

We lost a family due to her personal selfish wants, desires and alcoholism. I became the dumping ground for horrible tasks, confidences, drunken midnight rants, physical confrontations, etc... But I know that there is something for me to know and hang on to. I don't need to talk to him, I don't need any sort of one on one, but I do want to know who he is, what he has done in his life and where he is going.

It is strange to be out there and want to know. In addition she is an only child so the rest of the family has been always a scarce thing for me. I never really knew my grandfather and my grandmother was the center of my life until the Alzheimer. I have pictures, letters and cassette tapes from my grandmother and thank you for that. I always loved listening to her tales with the birds in the background and music playing. She would tell a story about me growing up or other family members. Then she would break into a song with something on the radio. Some German leider and maybe even yodel.

I think she was very purposeful about telling me these things and being consistent. Being through two world wars centered in Germany many things were lost or forgotten. The one thing is a verbal history of US. It is my job to get these things together for my own children.

I saw a documentary this morning called, The Flat. It was about this Isreali family who has to clear their grandmothers flat out. Her and her husband were refugees from Germany before they could be exterminated. The second generation was not interested in the history of the family. It was the third generation Arnon that was compelled by the family history. An adult and with children of his own he begins to investigate the letters and pictures that are there. He finds out that his parents were friends before and after the war with a higher up official in the SS. Even when they knew that members of their own family had been slaughtered. I was very moved by this.

He discovers how emotionless and unsentimental his mother is, but how important it is to the family. His looks at his mother with question, dumbfound and a little disgust. I felt sad for his discovery of his mother but thrilled that he rescued his past.

Anyhow, I am very inspired, because even his story is my story. The German Jew is my history as much as my grandfathers involvement in the war. Then I followed it up with a documentary called Hitlers Children about the children and grandchildren of Goebbels, Eichmann, etc... and their feelings. It was quite the emotional morning.

So here I am organizing and thinking about the next step. I had started memoirs of the family and I think I am ready to move forward on these. So this isn't about my business today or mountain exploration, but it was truly resonating for me.