So the scramble is what gets everyone. Do I want to emit this put together home, lifestyle, etc... with my outside decor? Of coarse I do! Is that for me or my family? It is for both. My family, as small as it may be, is what keeps me grounded. Each member is an equation of what keeps me focused. They trust that I have them as my main focus, the center of my heart.
I begin to relax realizing that the wreaths will show themselves, I got this. My family in their infinite wisdom know I will get the holidays moving again. But what is it like for the harried masses that subcumb to commercials upon commercials of have to’s or should haves? I think about it for about two seconds and move on. Squirrel!
I didn't do cards this year, I didn't buy gifts, I didn't put up a tree, I didn’t do much of anything in respects to traditional holiday expectations. The majority of my offspring are adults and the final teen is a 40 year old in disguise and I am convinced he was born that way. No one has a list or is asking about when Santa is arriving. No regrets, just a casual affair with holiday dinner on Christmas Eve and hanging out.
This past year has been a long stretch of figuring out what or who I am. Always in some sort of identity underling role, I have had to step out and announce who I am and why. Not easy for a confident wallflower. Linda, who has been gone for almost two years, still guides me along. My mantra, WWLD. I do have people who fill in for bits of her energy but it definitely isn’t that compact dynamo with the spikey blonde tuffs of hair, loosing her Mary Kay in my truck, carrying her cell phone in her bra, yelling at me to not deny myself and always planning our next expedition on a nickel.
As I write this it is hard to hold back what she meant to me. Sniffle. No one compares, no one should. So I find that if i get up in the morning at some ungodly hour, that I get a jump on life and the meaning of it. It doesn't bring her back, memories don’t seem to dim, the hurt is still strong. And sometimes I just want to scream as to why so many evil parasitic people get to walk this planet and injure so many and a one who gave so much light doesn’t. An age old question when good leaves us and bad gets to partake.
So holidays are hard as they are for a vast majority of people. It was Lindas favorite time for working our businesses and getting families together. I sat down this morning with coffee at roughly 2 am and reviewed my inventory, made lists, transferred information and analyzed what to do next. Motivation is to clear my kitchen of inventory overflow. Boundaries of “stuff”. Set with holiday angst comes rejuvenation. More seriousness. Perhaps even moving forward in developing something more concrete. Taking chances, finding that source to catapult forward. Not trying to sound like an ad of coarse but hopeful.
