For myself it is a direct link to my mom and her abuse, but I always find in my heart a way to every so often try to connect with her in hopes of change. I can forgive, if I feel safe with her. Unfortunately alcoholism always wins out and then I am sad. But the side story to that is that I do not know my brother and my kids do not have a grandmother. It is the trickle down of stupidity. So I tried again this week, I sent a letter with little hope. The worst that can happen is she tears it up and sends it back to me, anything different is a step up. But there I go again the amiable child at work. Can't change that about me.
In the older boys family their dad managed to separate everyone. My reconnect with Pablo, my father in law, a couple of years ago was a very emotional experience. I think think Chris K was surprised how emotional it was. I sobbed from a very deep place. This was someone who taught me to drive, work on my car, look at the bright side of things, help me when the boys were tiny, help me move and just an overall feeling of warmth and parental goodness. What happened? Felipe just manipulated everyone against each other and we all got busy with living/surviving in the process. So here for 20 years we were estranged. He didn't attend his grandmother and mothers funeral, Ian and Chris' cousin Keifer, has never meant them, we never were in touch with Uncle Lito, it just goes on and on. In the meantime we have all reconnected and left Felipe in the dust.
It was very frustrating when Chris K went to visit his father Felipe, instead of embracing his sin and just having a great time with him, he slammed on the poor kid. Chris K called crying, his emotions were so raw. I would have gotten on the next plane and rescued him if I thought it did him some good. Instead my friends were in the next state and they were on standby in case they had to pick him up. This is the stupid stuff that goes on, but he can be forgiven as well. Now family is talking to each other, but even so there are hints of stupid. Disapproving of a remarriage, but I choose to ignore and embrace everyone.
In the Wes family again stupid gaps of time, but that had to be something I had to bridge since it was directly me. Stupid especially when I like these people and I missed them. Conversation was as though no time had gone by, a long lost friend. Just in the nick of time since this father in law is no fairing well. I let my ex dictate the interactions that should never have been disrupted.
So now I have my fourth thing to see through, two siblings not speaking when they clearly do miss each other. I can hear both hurt. I can hear the yearning for spending time together. I want to knock both their heads together so they can start over. Anger derived from hurt. Ian being protective of me, I just want to fix things and Chris wanting people to meat him at the "mountain". Forgive Forgive Forgive, before children are born, nephews, deices, cousins etc... don't know each other and there is this one person who just wants everyone to just stop and forgive. To be in a family is a forgiving process, heed what Maya Angelou says. Time has eaten away so many things-sigh....AND it is Killing your mother.
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